I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
my god I love twenty year old dicks
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
