he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
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That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
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I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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