So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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