mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
