I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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