i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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