..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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