lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
