I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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