i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
