just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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