God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
