i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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