i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize