if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
