Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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