Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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