Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
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Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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