you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
