i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
