did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
