Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
