Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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