I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
wat bout pragnant strippers??
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
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The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
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Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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