nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
