I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
