wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
