I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
