If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
