it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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