Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
