Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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