everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
