he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
