nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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