We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
