you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Randomize
