i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
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