he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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