I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
