WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
