Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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