shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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