Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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