You're my little dorito
i will never coherently bang her
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
