if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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