Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
