my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
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So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
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When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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