Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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