Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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