apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
