my phone needs a breathalizer
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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