I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
