we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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