I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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