I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I pour the whiskey from now on
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
