Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize