Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
