May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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