He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
