all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
