she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
